No, you can't have it your way!

Burger King's slogan used to be (maybe still is?) something to the effect of "Have it your way."

And that right there pretty much sums up why diets don't work for me. I want to do it my way. I want to get the insight of the experts, but I want to put my own twist on it to make it fit with what I want to do, or in this case, eat. It happens every single time. I start off doing great. I might even lose weight the first couple of weeks. But after that, I decide that it'll be ok if I just add in a little of this or a little of that. I know the plan says no carbs with this meal, but really who is gonna know? I know I can only have so many points, but going out to eat tonight won't hurt - I mean, it's just one night (which really doesn't work when you do that a few times a week).

So, I think I've mentioned that I was reading Chris Powell's book, and his plan includes carb cycling. I caught myself doing it before even starting the plan. "Well, he says don't eat this, but I have it every day. And honestly, a tiny amount can't hurt." Yeah. It stopped me dead in my tracks. If I want the results, I'm going to have to do it right. I can't do it half-way but expect the most awesome results. Now, I'm not saying that every single day is going to be perfect. I'm going to screw it up. But if I'm intentionally straying from the plan each day so that my way of life isn't inconvenienced then I'm really not dedicated.

So, what do I want more? Do I want to get fit and healthy? Or do I want to eat bread every day? Would I like to lose the excess pounds, or would I rather have a Coca-Cola? Because you know, I can have whatever I want - I just have to decide what I want. I can't have both.

Try

Have you heard the song "Try" by Pink? Well, this song is not about going to the gym or trying to lose weight, but there is a part of the chorus that I swear I'm gonna post on my bathroom mirror.

"But just because it burns
Doesn't mean you're gonna die
You've gotta get up and try try try"

I can't count how many times I've given up because it's hard or it burns (you know, that feeling in your muscles??). I remember when I was running (I use this word very losely - it was more like a slow trot, but I was moving!) and my friend Lori was training me. She would have me run the short distance of just a few mailboxes, usually 2-4. I had trouble even on those short distances. Anyway, Lori had to constantly tell me that I wasn't going to die. I was still breathing, and the burn in my calves or the heavy breathing wasn't going to do me in. I wasn't going to die.

I had forgotten about that until I heard this song this morning. I really wasn't paying the song much attention.. I think it's about a breakup or something. But those lines really hit me.... taken out of context of the song,I'm gonna let them be my motivation each day to try, even when it burns.

Excuses

I'm really trying to stop making excuses. I planned to go to the gym this morning at 9:30 for BodyPump. Well, I overslept and ended up getting out of bed only 45 minutes before needing to leave. I'm not a jump out of bed and go kind of person. So, I told myself that I wouldn't make it in time, I should just skip it. I mean, I had a "valid" reason to skip it, right? I was out late last night at a concert.(Cassadee Pope, The Band Perry, and Rascal Flatts were awesome!)

And then, realization hit. I always make excuses. That's why I'm in this shape. It's why I go to the gym a couple time and then quit for three months, and then go to the gym again a few time before quitting again. Usually, the excuses ate I'm tired, I don't have time, or I'm just so busy. This morning, it was the combo of "I'm tired and I don't have time to get there before the class starts."

Well, I got up and went. I'm so glad I did. I pushed through the excuse barrier. It was a mental roadblock that was preventing me from doing what I had set out to do in the first place.

Another barrier I pushed through was a barrier with my knees. I've had two knee surgeries in two year. I have had trouble putting any weight on my knees - so kneeling or doing push-ups from my knees was not possible. Today, though it took me a little bit to get into the position without being in pain, I got down on my knees for push-ups!! For me, that's huge. I hate doing push-ups on the wall. I don't feel like I'm getting the full benefit of push-ups when I do them on the wall. I also haven't been able to do very many squats and no lunges. Well, today I did a whole squat routine *with* a weight bar ***and*** I did about half the lunge routine before I needed to stop. And when I stopped, I didn't just quit moving. I did calf raises.

So, I'll end with this little nugget of truth. I've seen different versions of this in various places online, but today I finally understood and accepted it. If you want it bad enough, you'll find a way. If you don't, you'll find an excuse.

How We See Ourselves

This video by Dove has made its rounds on Facebook, but until tonight I have never clicked on it to watch it. I am so sad that I didn't. I, like so many others see myself completely different from others. The way I see myself is honestly not as good as how many others see me. When I look in the mirror, I see this fat, ugly person. And yes, I am fat. That's a proven fact. Based on the definition of obesity, I am not only fat - I am obese. Morbidly obese. But that ugly part. Yeah. That part. Who the heck decided that? Did someone tell me that? Did someone do something to make me feel that way?

The answer is I did this to myself. I lumped my disappointment with my weight in with my entire being. I let fat define my self-worth. I let comments from well-meaning family members about my weight and appearance define who I was and what I thought about myself for too long. "You were so pretty when you were thinner." "You'll never lose weight, you're part of the _______ family." "You're on Weight Watchers again?" I can't control what others say or how they feel. Those negative comments came from people who I know love me, and who thought they were helping - either to motivate me to lose, or to help me accept what I am or who I am. I am not upset with them for saying it, but I don't want that to define me anymore.

Yes, I'm fat. But I'm not ugly. I don't care what society thinks is beautiful. I may not be model-beautiful, but I am me. And I am my own beautiful. And dang it - I'm flippin' worth it. So, tomorrow morning when I go to the gym, and when I tell myself that I can't do it - I'm going to remind myself that I'm beautiful, and I'm worth it. When I stumble and eat a cookie, I'm going to do my absolute best to not let that derail me.

Here's the video. Dove Real Beauty Sketches. If you haven't seen it, please don't ignore it and move on. It's really eye-opening.

Wisdom of sorts from a six-year-old

My very-soon-to-be-seven-year-old daughter was running up and down the hallway, into the master bedroom, and then back into the hallway again. On one of the trips into the bedroom, where I have been folding laundry, she offers this little nugget of wisdom. Or maybe I should have said nugget of truth.

CMD:Mommy, I’m running so I can lose weight.

Me: You don’t need to lose weight. You can run so that you can stay fit and trim, but you don’t need to lose weight.

CMD: But you do, right?

Me: Yes, I need to lose weight. Since Daddy will be off tomorrow I’m going to the gym in the morning when I get up.

CMD: Good. You need to because I’m pretty sure there’s not a baby in that tummy.

Thanks, kid. LOL This was after we watched Extreme Weight Loss this morning on the DVR and she told me I needed to go on the show.

Figuring Things Out

I have no idea what eating plan I'm going to follow - probably just cut back and count calories for now. I want to finish reading Chris Powell's Choose to Lose: The 7-Day Carb Cycle Solution and possibly get started on his eating plan. But, I'm not there yet. So I guess until I get there, it's cutting back.

I spent some time checking out the gym schedule online. I'm very eager to start off in the water. They offer four different water aerobics classes - WaterFit, AquaDrills, CardioSplash, and AquaZumba. And of course, I can still swim. My goal is to spend 1-2 hours in the pool everyday (well, 5 days each week) actually exercising, not just playing. I'm not counting playing with the kids in the neighborhood pool as a workout because I won't be doing it continually. It's activity, yes. But I want 1-2 hours a day of intentional workout time in the pool.

I also want to go in for a 1-hour class three days a week that isn't in the pool. That's in addition to the pool time. I know that this seems like a lot, but I need to make the most of my summer off. I need to see some significant weight loss in the two months of no school and to get my body used to working out so that when school starts back I have a better chance of sticking with it, even if it's for shorter periods of time.

So, to get started I took advantage of a Memorial Day sale on www.landsend.com today. I ordered a swimsuit and water aerobic shoes to wear so the pool doesn't tear up my feet. I'm eagerly awaiting the arrival of both and pray they fit. I also spent some time on the Lands End website and fell in love with some of their clothes. I think I just found some inspiration! I love their clothes, and I've already picked out a few things I'd love to own. I know they'll be out of style or out of season by the time I got to a size where I could/would order them - but I think they'll replace them with things I like just as much.

Oh, I forgot about something I'm going to do. It's called "DietBet." You join by placing your "bet" and then you have 4 weeks to lose 4% of your body weight. Those who lose 4% of their body weight split the pot. Pretty cool idea, I think. I'm excited about it and can't wait to begin. I like that I'm not trying to lose the most weight, I'm just trying to accomplish a 4% weight loss goal. It starts on June 1st. It's all online, so anyone can join. Pretty cool, huh?

Confession

I really, really, really don't like my body. I know I should love every inch of me, but honestly.. I don't. I was just in the bathroom changing clothes when I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror. I don't usually look until I'm clothed. I just wanted to cry. How do I get to the point where I love my body enough to want to make it look better? Maybe I don't love me enough. Is that it? For the life of me, I wish I could figure it out. Because, maybe if I figured it out I'd finally be able to do something about it.

*sigh*