Three Times This Week

Headed to the gym again this morning. Go me! Funny thing is, I wasn't going to go. My husband had some errands to run this morning, so I had decided I'd just go swimming later with the family.

Well, at 8:40 this morning I got a call from a friend asking if I wanted to go to the 9:30 BodyPump class. I'd already done this class twice this week, and I was still feeling the pain from it. I should say this is my first week back at the gym in a long time. This week I made a promise to myself to get this weight off and really take care of this body I live in. So, I checked with the hubby and he was OK with pushing back his errands.

I'm so glad I went. I don't hurt as bad as I thought I would after doing this class three times this week. I'm still hoping for a family trip to the neighborhood pool a little later on. Yesterday I did a whopping two laps. Today my goal is three laps. I have next to no endurance. Part of me feels embarrassed that I only did two laps, but the other part of me feels very accomplished. I'm working through this crazy idea that when I go to the neighborhood pool with the family that I can't do laps. I usually do more in the gym, but I think I have this gym mentality where I push myself more there. So yeah, it was only 2 laps, but I'm reworking the brain here, too. I'll take it!

See that area over to the right? That's a nice big area for swimming laps. I'll try to remember to take a better picture of it later to share.

Chris Powell Wanna-be

See this cutie?

She's my little girl.

She's funny.

She's smart.

She's gonna whip me into shape.

That's her plan, anyway. See,I'm a new fan of this show called Extreme Weight Loss. (it used to be called Extreme Makeover: Weight Loss Edition.)I love the show. Chris Powell is the guy who leads all of these people to make these amazing transformations. So I'm often hearing her ask me if I'd like to be on the show, tell me I need to be on the show, or inquire as to whether I'd like to "do Chris Powell." She's seven - she has no clue the meaning of what she said. Hubby and I snickered and told her that yes, I'd love to do Chris Powell's program.

So, after talking with and telling her that I went to an open call for the show but wasn't chosen, she decided she'd fill in for him. Her idea of me working out one night was to run back and forth from the living room to the dining room. The next day she gave me a stack of books and told me to lift them over my head over and over again. Today, after doing BodyPump at the gym and wearing myself slap-out, as my grandmother would say, I come home to a cute little Chris Powell wanna be telling me to lay down on the floor so we could exercise. I was still sweating from the class, so I politely told my mini personal trainer that what I really wanted was more water and some yogurt. Her response: "OK, but you need to weigh yourself."

I love this kid! She reminds me each day lately why I'm doing this.

PS.. Her brother and daddy are pretty awesome, too!!! They are extremely supportive, even though they'd rather not eat the veggies I've been cooking.

What's it gonna take?

I mean, seriously. What the heck is it gonna take for me to get with it?

I mean, I think about it. I imagine myself doing it. But that's it. I want to change my body. I want a real transformation, but something is holding me back.

And no, don't say laziness. I think it's deeper than that. There's a song that came out years ago with the line "My desire's alive and kicking, but my drive is dead."

Why is my drive dead? I don't get it.

I read the first book by Chris Powell, and then I said I'd start after reading the second one. I got the second one and have barely touched it.
I need help.

No, you can't have it your way!

Burger King's slogan used to be (maybe still is?) something to the effect of "Have it your way."

And that right there pretty much sums up why diets don't work for me. I want to do it my way. I want to get the insight of the experts, but I want to put my own twist on it to make it fit with what I want to do, or in this case, eat. It happens every single time. I start off doing great. I might even lose weight the first couple of weeks. But after that, I decide that it'll be ok if I just add in a little of this or a little of that. I know the plan says no carbs with this meal, but really who is gonna know? I know I can only have so many points, but going out to eat tonight won't hurt - I mean, it's just one night (which really doesn't work when you do that a few times a week).

So, I think I've mentioned that I was reading Chris Powell's book, and his plan includes carb cycling. I caught myself doing it before even starting the plan. "Well, he says don't eat this, but I have it every day. And honestly, a tiny amount can't hurt." Yeah. It stopped me dead in my tracks. If I want the results, I'm going to have to do it right. I can't do it half-way but expect the most awesome results. Now, I'm not saying that every single day is going to be perfect. I'm going to screw it up. But if I'm intentionally straying from the plan each day so that my way of life isn't inconvenienced then I'm really not dedicated.

So, what do I want more? Do I want to get fit and healthy? Or do I want to eat bread every day? Would I like to lose the excess pounds, or would I rather have a Coca-Cola? Because you know, I can have whatever I want - I just have to decide what I want. I can't have both.

Try

Have you heard the song "Try" by Pink? Well, this song is not about going to the gym or trying to lose weight, but there is a part of the chorus that I swear I'm gonna post on my bathroom mirror.

"But just because it burns
Doesn't mean you're gonna die
You've gotta get up and try try try"

I can't count how many times I've given up because it's hard or it burns (you know, that feeling in your muscles??). I remember when I was running (I use this word very losely - it was more like a slow trot, but I was moving!) and my friend Lori was training me. She would have me run the short distance of just a few mailboxes, usually 2-4. I had trouble even on those short distances. Anyway, Lori had to constantly tell me that I wasn't going to die. I was still breathing, and the burn in my calves or the heavy breathing wasn't going to do me in. I wasn't going to die.

I had forgotten about that until I heard this song this morning. I really wasn't paying the song much attention.. I think it's about a breakup or something. But those lines really hit me.... taken out of context of the song,I'm gonna let them be my motivation each day to try, even when it burns.

Excuses

I'm really trying to stop making excuses. I planned to go to the gym this morning at 9:30 for BodyPump. Well, I overslept and ended up getting out of bed only 45 minutes before needing to leave. I'm not a jump out of bed and go kind of person. So, I told myself that I wouldn't make it in time, I should just skip it. I mean, I had a "valid" reason to skip it, right? I was out late last night at a concert.(Cassadee Pope, The Band Perry, and Rascal Flatts were awesome!)

And then, realization hit. I always make excuses. That's why I'm in this shape. It's why I go to the gym a couple time and then quit for three months, and then go to the gym again a few time before quitting again. Usually, the excuses ate I'm tired, I don't have time, or I'm just so busy. This morning, it was the combo of "I'm tired and I don't have time to get there before the class starts."

Well, I got up and went. I'm so glad I did. I pushed through the excuse barrier. It was a mental roadblock that was preventing me from doing what I had set out to do in the first place.

Another barrier I pushed through was a barrier with my knees. I've had two knee surgeries in two year. I have had trouble putting any weight on my knees - so kneeling or doing push-ups from my knees was not possible. Today, though it took me a little bit to get into the position without being in pain, I got down on my knees for push-ups!! For me, that's huge. I hate doing push-ups on the wall. I don't feel like I'm getting the full benefit of push-ups when I do them on the wall. I also haven't been able to do very many squats and no lunges. Well, today I did a whole squat routine *with* a weight bar ***and*** I did about half the lunge routine before I needed to stop. And when I stopped, I didn't just quit moving. I did calf raises.

So, I'll end with this little nugget of truth. I've seen different versions of this in various places online, but today I finally understood and accepted it. If you want it bad enough, you'll find a way. If you don't, you'll find an excuse.

How We See Ourselves

This video by Dove has made its rounds on Facebook, but until tonight I have never clicked on it to watch it. I am so sad that I didn't. I, like so many others see myself completely different from others. The way I see myself is honestly not as good as how many others see me. When I look in the mirror, I see this fat, ugly person. And yes, I am fat. That's a proven fact. Based on the definition of obesity, I am not only fat - I am obese. Morbidly obese. But that ugly part. Yeah. That part. Who the heck decided that? Did someone tell me that? Did someone do something to make me feel that way?

The answer is I did this to myself. I lumped my disappointment with my weight in with my entire being. I let fat define my self-worth. I let comments from well-meaning family members about my weight and appearance define who I was and what I thought about myself for too long. "You were so pretty when you were thinner." "You'll never lose weight, you're part of the _______ family." "You're on Weight Watchers again?" I can't control what others say or how they feel. Those negative comments came from people who I know love me, and who thought they were helping - either to motivate me to lose, or to help me accept what I am or who I am. I am not upset with them for saying it, but I don't want that to define me anymore.

Yes, I'm fat. But I'm not ugly. I don't care what society thinks is beautiful. I may not be model-beautiful, but I am me. And I am my own beautiful. And dang it - I'm flippin' worth it. So, tomorrow morning when I go to the gym, and when I tell myself that I can't do it - I'm going to remind myself that I'm beautiful, and I'm worth it. When I stumble and eat a cookie, I'm going to do my absolute best to not let that derail me.

Here's the video. Dove Real Beauty Sketches. If you haven't seen it, please don't ignore it and move on. It's really eye-opening.