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Note to self: When shopping for bras, even if you are buying the same size you are currently wearing, try them on before purchasing.

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Love, Me

Before I'm 40.....

I was just on Facebook (no surprise there) and noticed a friend is 40 today. She is stunning, both inside and out. She's vibrant, healthy.

Reading her birthday messages and the messages her husband has been posting really made me stop and think. (I've been doing that a lot lately.) When I'm 40, I want someone to look at me and think the same things I think about her. But more importantly, I want to feel that way about myself. I want to feel stunning, both inside and out. I want to feel vibrant and healthy.

So, I have until September 2015. That's when I will be 40. I'm starting now - if I get there before 9/2015, then all the better for me. Losing weight, getting healthy and fit... that's a plus for me and for my family.

Not sure if my friend will ever see this post, but just in case - Happy Birthday! Thank you for being such a great person, a friend... and, even though you probably had no idea you did it, thanks for that extra bit of inspiration to get my act together.

A New Beginning

Oh, where to begin??

I'll just put it out there. I'm fatter than ever, but I am optimistic that this is my time. I'm ready. I went to the gym today - first time I've been to the gym in months. My knee injury just wouldn't allow it. I was released by the doctor to start exercising again - easy stuff like walking or swimming - in November, but today was the first day I went back. I did a water aerobics class. My knee definitely knows it's been worked, but I'm going to keep at it. I've got to get it stronger. I'll be going back tomorrow for another water aerobics class. I'm optimistic that one day I'll be back in the class I used to go to and loved.

I'm trying to figure out what I'm going to do to get my eating in check. I know I need to make changes, not just "cut back." I need to adopt a whole new, healthy way of eating. I read "Eat to Live" by Dr. Joel Fuhrman, and I do not think that's the plan for me. I'm now ready "The Eat Clean Diet" by Tosca Reno. I'm not sure that's the way to go, either. I really want to go back to Weight Watchers, but I'm not sure it's in the budget right now. I remember being successful on the WW plan in the past, and I wouldn't have quit the last time (when I was doing so well) had I not lost my job. Maybe I can swing it by February or March, but I can't wait that long to begin something.

What I'm really excited about is that I've got some loved ones (who shall remain nameless because it's not my place to blab about who is doing what) who are one this journey, too. We may all follow different plans, but it's nice to know that I'm not alone. I know we will encourage each other, whine to each other, and maybe even scream and cuss at times about how frustrating this journey can be. But these are my girls, and I'm glad to be doing it with them

What Doesn't Motivate Me

A person I love, who shall remain nameless, has made comments to me regarding my weight. I know this person means nothing but love and encouragement - but it doesn't help. Telling me my butt isn't getting smaller, I was pretty when I thinner, I'd be so pretty if I lost weight... you get the idea... does not motivate me.

I'm trying... really trying... to take the negative comments as encouragement, but it's hard.

I have learned that I do so much better when I'm on Weight Watchers, so I'll be looking to head back there very soon.

**Sigh**

Out of the mouths of babes...

OK, so out of the mouth of one babe in particular. Today while standing in line at Kroger C looked over at the cover of the magazines. There was the National Inquirer staring her in the face. It was this cover.

And then, with no ill intent or meanness to her voice she said, "Look at that girl, Mommy. It looks like you."

There I stood, no idea what to say... beet red with embarrassment. How could I get on to her for stating what she saw. She wasn't trying to be mean or to hurt my feelings. And later on, she was hugging me and loving on me. My size didn't affect her love for me.

But I cringed. I don't want to be a rail-thin model (who I know is most likely airbrushed on the magazine covers), but I don't want to be that obese person, either. It was eye-opening. It strengthens my resolve to have no excuses for why I can't exercise and why I can't stick to a healthy eating plan. C isn't going to love me any less if I don't lose weight, but I hope that in the process I can make my six-year-old daughter proud of me. I want to be a good role model for her in so many ways, good health being one of them.

No Excuses

I listen to a station called The Fish. This morning they were talking about overcoming obstacles. A lady named Sandra called in and shared her story. She and her husband had been in an accident, and in that accident she lost her husband and her ability to walk. She had to relearn how to do it. Before the accident nine months ago she had been a runner, so it was a big adjustment for her to have to have a wheelchair or walker. Since relearning how to walk she has done three 5Ks and is planning on doing more.

It got me to thinking. Sandra could have very well said after the accident, “Well, guess I can’t walk anymore.” She could have accepted that this was her new life. But she didn’t. She didn’t make excuses for why she couldn’t do it. She just did it… even when it was hard… probably even when she didn’t want to. She didn’t give up on what she wanted because getting there required work.

Sandra probably had no idea when she called the radio station this morning that she would touch someone. She made me realize that I have no excuse for not eating right and getting to the gym. “I’ve had a long day at work” won’t cut it. “I’m too tired” shouldn’t really be in my vocabulary. I’ve got a lot of weight to lose, and sitting around wishing I could lose weight is not going to make it happen. If I want it, I have to be willing to work for it. No excuses. If I’m too tired work or cook a healthy meal, I probably don’t want to reach my weight loss goal badly enough. I need to determine if my reason is valid or not. If it’s not a valid reason, then I need to do what my body needs.

Back At It

You know, this blog is called "Confessions of a Chronic Dieter for a reason. I have been on numerous diets since I was a teenager, which honestly is not good for the body. But, like so many people, I struggle with it. I'm "good" for a few days, and then temptation sneaks up on me. It starts with just a cupcake. Or maybe it's the lure of a regular Coke in the checkout line. Someone has a birthday. It's always something.

So, here I am again, starting over. I have to keep trying. If I don't, then I will surely continue to gain weight. I can't afford that - not just monetarily, but for my health. My knees hurt, my body aches, I can't keep up with my kids, and little things wear me out. I know that my weight is the reason. And I'm sick of it.

On the vanity side of things, I want to look good. I want to put on a pair of jeans and tuck in my shirt, or at least not have to find shirts long enough to cover my belly. I want to wear dresses and skirts without my thighs rubbing together and hurting. I don't want to hear, "You have such a pretty face." That's code for, "You'd be pretty if you lost weight." I don't want a new man (I love and am happy with my hubby), but it'd be nice to maybe turn a head or two. Like I said, it's vanity talking... but it's honest.

So, like I said... I'm back at it. I joined the gym this morning. I had a Greek yogurt before going to the gym and an Herbalife shake when I got home. I took a multivitamin and a cell activator (an Herbalife product that helps the cells absorb the nutrients). I'm determined to do this.

And for those who read this and are saying that I do this all the time, say this is my time, I'm going to do it, I'm super-motivated, what makes this time so different - you know... all those negative comments or thoughts.... I have to be optimistic! I have to believe that this is the time. I have to believe that this time is going to be different. I have to believe I can do it. Otherwise, what would be the point of even trying? I have to believe, and I have to try... otherwise I'll never succeed.