Saturday, November 14, 2009


I had a realization today. I think I have finally figured out why I am having such a hard time getting motivated and staying motivated. I have figured out why, even when I have this great desire, I can't seem to focus on what I need to do and actually do it.

When a task is hard or seems impossible, I tend to put it off until I can't put it off anymore. Yes, I am a procrastinator. In this case, I have such a long way to go to get to a healthy weight that I am putting off doing anything... It's hard. I've overwhelmed with the task ahead of me.. eating right and exercising to get this weight off.

I'm scared of failure. What if I can't do it? What if I lose weight and I still have high blood pressure? What if I lose weight and people don't like the new me? What if I really try to lose weight and I can't do it? What if I am able to do it, but then gain it back?

OK, so now that I've figured out what's holding me back, what am I going to do about it? I'd love to say, "I'm getting on program in the morning and I am going to get this weight off. I'm not going to stop until I reach my goal." I'd be lying, of course, to myself and anyone who reads this. All I can do is try to make one change tomorrow. And then make that change again on Monday. And then on Tuesday. Then, I can make another change.

OK, so I've accepted that this is going to be hard. It might even hurt a little - physically and emotionally. All those questions I put out there, they are valid. They are questions from way down deep. But, they aren't the main questions. There really is only one question I need to answer.

The real question is, "Am I worth it?"

I think I am. Now I just need to prove it.

(And if you read this far, I am so sorry.. I know I am rambling, and maybe it doesn't flow and make sense.. but I am not going back to fix it. LOL)