Friday, July 19, 2013

What my children see....

Not exactly seeing myself in a positive light here. *sigh*

Tonight I watched Jacqui's episode on Extreme Makeover: Weight Loss Edition. My kids were watching with me. They were only halfway paying attention, but when they showed her in her wedding dress it caught my daughter's attention. Here's how the conversation went.

C: Mom, when you got married were you like you are now?
Me: Look on the wall at the picture.
C: Yeah, you were. But not as bad as you are now.


I'm not feeling the drive tonight. Mainly, I'm just feeling low. I'm hoping it has something to do with me being worn out and not me getting ready for another fall.

I need help.

Here's me on my wedding day, November 2000.

Thursday, July 18, 2013

My Story

I am a 37-year-old mother of two and a wife of 12.5 years. I have an amazing family. I met my husband at a pre-planning event the summer before we both started a new job at a local elementary school. We were just friends at first, though he had asked me out. I wouldn’t date him because we worked together, and I figured it wouldn’t work out. I didn’t want to ruin our friendship. I finally decided to date him to prove it wouldn’t work. That was in 1999. We were married in November 2000. In 2002 our son was born, and in 2006 daughter came along. My husband and children are the loves of my life.

My family is amazing. I am extremely blessed to have a wonderful mother who spent my entire childhood making sure that I was taken care and loved. My grandparents, aunts, and uncles also made sure I knew love. Absent in that is my father. He left my mom when she was expecting me. I’m not sure how a man can leave his wife and unborn child, but I’ve come to understand that was his issue, not mine. It took me a long time to not be bitter. I still don’t understand, and sometimes I still feel hurt, but I try to not think too much about that. I’ve been extremely fortunate to have a grandfather who loved me to pieces and has always been a daddy to me. He passed away a year ago, and I miss him terribly. My mom has remarried, and now I have a step-dad who loves me like I was one of his own. And I can’t leave out my in-laws. They have touched my life in so many ways, and I’m so glad they came with my awesome husband.

I’m currently weigh somewhere between 270 and 280 pounds. I say between because I haven’t been on the scales in a few days so I don’t know my exact weight. The last time I got on the scale is said 275.6. While this isn’t the highest I’ve ever weighed, it’s not far off from it.

I don’t remember a time when I wasn’t obese. I look back at old pictures of me, back when I thought I was huge, and wonder what I was thinking. I remember being a size 14 and telling myself that I would never be larger than that. And then, when I was a size 16, I told myself that was the largest I’d ever be. Now, at a size 22/24, I’ve been telling myself that same thing. Thankfully, I’ve been able to say this was the largest I’ll ever be for a long time. I’ve maintained this weight and size. Unfortunately, I’ve maintained this weight and size for a long time and haven’t lost any weight.

So, here I sit writing this on July 18, 2013. I started on July 7, 2013 on a journey to take better care of myself. I’ve come to the realization that I can’t do this on my own, but I can’t depend on someone else to push me, either. My motivation and determination have to come from within. Sitting on my butt and doing things the easy way are only going to lead me to more health problems and no quality of life. It’s the easy thing to do, and I’ll be the first to admit that pushing me to be more and do more scares the daylights out of me. I’m terrified of hurting myself. I’ve had surgery on both of my knees, and I don’t want to reinjure them. I learned last fall that I have a small heart defect – not one that prevents me from being active, but rather should push me to be active. My cardiologist actually recommended I exercise – not just get the weight off.

I would love to say that I’m going to do this. That I’m extremely motivated and nothing is going to stop me. But that wouldn’t be real. Yes, I’m motivated. Yes, I’m determined. But I’m also insecure. I’m scared of failing. I’m worried that I’ll disappoint myself. I’m scared of what others might think of me. I don’t have the best self-esteem around, and so I tell myself that others are looking at me. And of course, when they look at me they are judging me. They might not be, but I tell myself that.

So, here I am – a work in progress, I guess. I’m ready to take the ups and downs and pray I have the strength to get through the downs.

Friday, July 12, 2013

Three Times This Week

Headed to the gym again this morning. Go me! Funny thing is, I wasn't going to go. My husband had some errands to run this morning, so I had decided I'd just go swimming later with the family.

Well, at 8:40 this morning I got a call from a friend asking if I wanted to go to the 9:30 BodyPump class. I'd already done this class twice this week, and I was still feeling the pain from it. I should say this is my first week back at the gym in a long time. This week I made a promise to myself to get this weight off and really take care of this body I live in. So, I checked with the hubby and he was OK with pushing back his errands.

I'm so glad I went. I don't hurt as bad as I thought I would after doing this class three times this week. I'm still hoping for a family trip to the neighborhood pool a little later on. Yesterday I did a whopping two laps. Today my goal is three laps. I have next to no endurance. Part of me feels embarrassed that I only did two laps, but the other part of me feels very accomplished. I'm working through this crazy idea that when I go to the neighborhood pool with the family that I can't do laps. I usually do more in the gym, but I think I have this gym mentality where I push myself more there. So yeah, it was only 2 laps, but I'm reworking the brain here, too. I'll take it!

See that area over to the right? That's a nice big area for swimming laps. I'll try to remember to take a better picture of it later to share.

Tuesday, July 9, 2013

Chris Powell Wanna-be

See this cutie?

She's my little girl.

She's funny.

She's smart.

She's gonna whip me into shape.

That's her plan, anyway. See,I'm a new fan of this show called Extreme Weight Loss. (it used to be called Extreme Makeover: Weight Loss Edition.)I love the show. Chris Powell is the guy who leads all of these people to make these amazing transformations. So I'm often hearing her ask me if I'd like to be on the show, tell me I need to be on the show, or inquire as to whether I'd like to "do Chris Powell." She's seven - she has no clue the meaning of what she said. Hubby and I snickered and told her that yes, I'd love to do Chris Powell's program.

So, after talking with and telling her that I went to an open call for the show but wasn't chosen, she decided she'd fill in for him. Her idea of me working out one night was to run back and forth from the living room to the dining room. The next day she gave me a stack of books and told me to lift them over my head over and over again. Today, after doing BodyPump at the gym and wearing myself slap-out, as my grandmother would say, I come home to a cute little Chris Powell wanna be telling me to lay down on the floor so we could exercise. I was still sweating from the class, so I politely told my mini personal trainer that what I really wanted was more water and some yogurt. Her response: "OK, but you need to weigh yourself."

I love this kid! She reminds me each day lately why I'm doing this.

PS.. Her brother and daddy are pretty awesome, too!!! They are extremely supportive, even though they'd rather not eat the veggies I've been cooking.

Friday, July 5, 2013

What's it gonna take?

I mean, seriously. What the heck is it gonna take for me to get with it?

I mean, I think about it. I imagine myself doing it. But that's it. I want to change my body. I want a real transformation, but something is holding me back.

And no, don't say laziness. I think it's deeper than that. There's a song that came out years ago with the line "My desire's alive and kicking, but my drive is dead."

Why is my drive dead? I don't get it.

I read the first book by Chris Powell, and then I said I'd start after reading the second one. I got the second one and have barely touched it.
I need help.