Thursday, May 1, 2014

Before I'm 40

I just realized that I'm going to be 40. No, not in the immediate future, but in just over a year and a half I will be 40.


I do not want to be 275 pounds at the age of 40!

I do not want to be 200 pounds at the age of 40!

I don't know what weight I want to be, but those weights are a whole lot more than what I want for me. It's not that I really care about the number. I don't, really. I just want to be fit and healthy, and I know my body enough to know that at 200 pounds I won't be as fit and healthy as I could be, and I am definitely not fit and healthy at my current 270-277 range I've been hanging out at.

Yes, I've lost a little bit of weight. And I'm proud of that accomplishment. My highest weight was nearly 290... that's way to close to 300 for me. I'm only 5'1" so I am nearly as big around as I am tall. This is unacceptable.

So... I figured I'd list some goals to aim for and reach by the time I'm 40.

1. Lose 100 pounds. I don't know if I'll be as fit and healthy as I want to be at around 170. I don't think I will be. But I will be closer. Plus, I think aiming for 100 pounds lost in a year and half is reasonable. Maybe I'll lose more. But I'll aim for 100 pounds and then reassess.

2. Go to an amusement park and not worry about the ride's safety bar being able to latch. True story. I went to Six Flags Over Georgia a couple years ago with family and friends. A couple of the rides the attendant had to put his entire body weight into pushing the bar into my abdomen just to get it to latch. My fat was spilling over both sides of the bar. I was humiliated. I haven't gotten back on the ride since. I don't even fit in the seats on the Scream Machine.

3. Cross my legs like a lady. I don't want to have to reach down to grab my ankle so I can place my calf over my knee when riding in the car. I want to cross my legs knee-over-knee like a lady does. I want to wear a dress and not have to keep both feet on the floor because I can't keep my top leg on top of my lower leg when crossing them like a lady would sit.

And a couple biggies for me.... the voices in the back of my head that I just can't shut off.

4. I will prove them wrong. You know, those people who bring you down when you're trying. They say things like this:

You've tried before and failed.
You're bigger now than before you went on a diet.
You gonna stick to your diet this time?
One cookie/slice of cake won't hurt you. You're going to blow it anyway.

5. Prove to myself that my beauty and self-worth has nothing to do with how much fat I have on my body. This is major for me. Someone, who I love dearly, told me once, "You were so pretty when you were skinnier." Do you know what that does to a person? Someone who you thought would always tell you how beautiful you are suddenly telling you that you used to be pretty? It devastated me. And I can't shut it off. I've tried. I'd never felt ugly, even though I am obese, until this person said that. And it has stuck. It's there, and I can't shut it off. And so help me, I am going to shut it off. And I will confront this person. But I won't do it until I can do it in a way that isn't hurtful, because I won't hurt someone the way I was hurt. But I will tell this person that what those words did to me, and when I am able I will be able to tell that person with full conviction that fat, weight, and physical appearance doesn't define beauty. I'm not there yet. I'm still working through it myself. But I will get there.