Monday, May 25, 2015

Nothing Changes if Nothing Changes

Don't believe me? I'm living proof. I haven't written here in a long while. Almost a year, to be honest. I haven't thought about this blog. Sure, I posted here and there on my Facebook page, but I really haven't been that active there either.

That probably has something to do with the fact that I haven't been that active. Period.

You know how when you aren't doing what you know you should, you sort of avoid anything that might hold you accountable? That's where I've been. Nothing has changed, so nothing has changed.

So where does that leave me?

I'm going to be 40 in September, and I swore to myself I would be healthier and fitter by then. At this rate, I'm not going to make it. I'm still hovering in the 280s. That's not something to be proud of. I'm not exercising. As a matter of fact, right now I should be up and doing something productive (like laundry) but instead I'm sitting here convincing myself that I need to write this blog post.

I have got find a way to embrace the pain and sweat that comes with making a change. If I don't do something now, I'm going to be 500 pounds. I don't want that. I want to be that person who literally worked her butt off. Stomach and thighs, too.

This is my prayer... a cry for help... Lord, help me to move past the desire to get fit and on to the determination and will to do what it takes. I can't do it alone. I realize that. Please help me find the will each day to get active... to make good food choices... to do it even when it's hot...or when I'm tired... when people are watching... when I feel like people are watching. Help me to get over myself and realize that if I don't do it because I'm self-conscious, then I will never do it. Help me to ignore people who laugh and mock this 281.8 pound body when she's trying to better herself. Help me turn this fat into "thick skin" so that the laughs and criticism don't cut me to the core. Help me find me. The strong me that I know is buried somewhere beneath the fat.