I am a 37-year-old mother of two and a wife of 12.5 years. I have an amazing family. I met my husband at a pre-planning event the summer before we both started a new job at a local elementary school. We were just friends at first, though he had asked me out. I wouldn’t date him because we worked together, and I figured it wouldn’t work out. I didn’t want to ruin our friendship. I finally decided to date him to prove it wouldn’t work. That was in 1999. We were married in November 2000. In 2002 our son was born, and in 2006 daughter came along. My husband and children are the loves of my life.
My family is amazing. I am extremely blessed to have a wonderful mother who spent my entire childhood making sure that I was taken care and loved. My grandparents, aunts, and uncles also made sure I knew love. Absent in that is my father. He left my mom when she was expecting me. I’m not sure how a man can leave his wife and unborn child, but I’ve come to understand that was his issue, not mine. It took me a long time to not be bitter. I still don’t understand, and sometimes I still feel hurt, but I try to not think too much about that. I’ve been extremely fortunate to have a grandfather who loved me to pieces and has always been a daddy to me. He passed away a year ago, and I miss him terribly. My mom has remarried, and now I have a step-dad who loves me like I was one of his own. And I can’t leave out my in-laws. They have touched my life in so many ways, and I’m so glad they came with my awesome husband.
I’m currently weigh somewhere between 270 and 280 pounds. I say between because I haven’t been on the scales in a few days so I don’t know my exact weight. The last time I got on the scale is said 275.6. While this isn’t the highest I’ve ever weighed, it’s not far off from it.
I don’t remember a time when I wasn’t obese. I look back at old pictures of me, back when I thought I was huge, and wonder what I was thinking. I remember being a size 14 and telling myself that I would never be larger than that. And then, when I was a size 16, I told myself that was the largest I’d ever be. Now, at a size 22/24, I’ve been telling myself that same thing. Thankfully, I’ve been able to say this was the largest I’ll ever be for a long time. I’ve maintained this weight and size. Unfortunately, I’ve maintained this weight and size for a long time and haven’t lost any weight.
So, here I sit writing this on July 18, 2013. I started on July 7, 2013 on a journey to take better care of myself. I’ve come to the realization that I can’t do this on my own, but I can’t depend on someone else to push me, either. My motivation and determination have to come from within. Sitting on my butt and doing things the easy way are only going to lead me to more health problems and no quality of life. It’s the easy thing to do, and I’ll be the first to admit that pushing me to be more and do more scares the daylights out of me. I’m terrified of hurting myself. I’ve had surgery on both of my knees, and I don’t want to reinjure them. I learned last fall that I have a small heart defect – not one that prevents me from being active, but rather should push me to be active. My cardiologist actually recommended I exercise – not just get the weight off.
I would love to say that I’m going to do this. That I’m extremely motivated and nothing is going to stop me. But that wouldn’t be real. Yes, I’m motivated. Yes, I’m determined. But I’m also insecure. I’m scared of failing. I’m worried that I’ll disappoint myself. I’m scared of what others might think of me. I don’t have the best self-esteem around, and so I tell myself that others are looking at me. And of course, when they look at me they are judging me. They might not be, but I tell myself that.
So, here I am – a work in progress, I guess. I’m ready to take the ups and downs and pray I have the strength to get through the downs.